Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,
6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"
TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when
it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not
f... ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic
Control asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make
a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a
bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach."(¿?)
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned
passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took
us a while to find a new pilot."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you
copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified
our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower
to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied
back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio
and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it
all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there without
any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird
206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark --
and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a
US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult
for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there
and don't move 'til I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
